I want to be clear at the outset. I love my sister. I really really do. But sometimes I just wish she would move away or something. Ever since we were little kids, she’s been the bossy one. It was always do this and do that. Sure, she’s a little older, but only two years! That doesn’t make her an expert in everything, does it?

Even now, when we're both married and have families of our own, she acts like I'm lucky to get her constant advice. I mean.. Sometimes it’s really good advice, and sometimes she has no idea what she's talking about. But, no matter how many times I tell her "if I want your opinion, I'll ask for it", (that's what I say, too, those very words), she doesn't stop. But it does make me feel better about ignoring what she's saying.

You might think that after all these years, I'd be used to it. And I am too. It's not really the bossiness and unwanted advice-giving that gets on my nerves. It's the... the bragging, I guess you'd call it. It seems like whatever anyone else has, she has better. And most of the time, I'm okay with this. When she's going on about her new sofa with the custom upholstery, and how much it costs, and how unique it is...blah blah blah, I stop and look at my lumpy old couch and think how great it is that I don't have to worry about spilling stuff on it, because a few more stains would only enhance its character, if you get what I'm saying.

It’s just that lately, things have been hard for us. Will (that's my husband) hasn't found any work since the plant layoffs and his pogey is just about run out. I can't work for my back, and money is really tight right now. Just last week, we had to go to the food bank to hold us over until Will's cheque came through. Well, when Lou (that's my sister's name, its Louise actually but I've always called her Lou) called and started going on about the holiday she and Bert (that's her husband) are planning, it’s hard to hear when you're worrying about how to pay the electric bill. I'm afraid that I lost my temper and said some things to her that may have been hurtful.

I love my sister, I really do, and I'd like to go back to not being bothered by her "eccentricities" as Will calls them. I mean, I know she's not going to change, but if I let her get to me then I'm not going to be able to be around her, am I?

That's it, basically. Don't worry about your fee. Will said we can spring for it, and that it’s worth it if it brings me peace of mind. I'm looking forward to seeing what you make of this, and hoping you don't see me as some bitter person who is envious of her own sister.

Thanks for listening

Suz

I can tell that you and your sister love each other. I can tell that you love her because you are so concerned about hurting her feelings. I can tell that she loves you because she tries hard to protect you from making mistakes and wants you to keep looking up to her as you did when you were little. It sounds like most of the time you two have a comfortable and secure relationship. You tell her very directly when she’s crossed a line. She may not always respect your boundaries, but neither of you allow these little scuffles to harm your relationship.

You sound like you are naturally skilled at what some therapists call “cognitive restructuring” which is being able to see the positives in a situation (or in an old couch). This suggests to me that you are basically a positive, easy going and well-adjusted person.

Right now though you are under lots of stress, and some of the worst kinds of stress are those things we have no control over, especially when our basic survival needs (like having a roof over our heads and enough to eat) are threatened. Severe stress and the worrying that goes with it makes people more irritable and less patient. It’s no wonder that you lost your temper! That you feel badly about it, though, emphasizes your basic kindness.

I’m happy to read that you accept your sister for who she is and don’t expect her to change. I suppose there is a change that she could change, buts it’s completely out of your control. You have rightly realized that the only person you can change is yourself. Your husband sounds really supportive. I’m glad you two have each other during this stressful time. And no, I absolutely do not see you as envious or bitter. I see you as a kind, caring sister who is under so much stress that her normally bountiful patience is wearing thin.

I wish I had a magic wand to wave that would make your sister more considerate of your feelings, but I don’t. I suspect she is so used to you being happy for her and her good fortune, that she can’t conceive of the possibility that she might be rubbing salt into your wound, so to speak. You might try sitting her down and telling her honestly, openly and in a non-blaming way about your financial problems and how you felt when she told you about her vacation. You will have a better sense of how effective (or not) this might be. Whether you do or don’t, though, there is something you must do for yourself.

You are under a great deal of stress. It’s important that you don’t let it get the best of you. Stress can make people sick, physically or mentally. You need to make looking after yourself your priority. I know you don’t have any extra money right now to be taking a vacation or going to a spa, but I bet there are things you enjoy, find relaxing and take your mind off your troubles that don’t cost a thing. Spend some time making a list of those things, and then do them.

I’m going to give you a link to a free self-help course. It’s designed for people with depression and anxiety, but would also be very helpful for someone like yourself. Not all of its going fit for you and your situation, but it has lots of tips on doing things that will help you feel better. http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/SelfHelpCourse.pdf Look it over and decide if there’s something in there that will help you.

Thanks for writing, Suz. I hope something I’ve said struck a chord with you and helped lighten your load. If you want to talk some more, I would be honoured. You know how to reach me. Whether we speak again or not though, please, please please….

Take good care of yourself. You are worth it!

Jane